Back to the Family

Until a few weeks ago, I had never heard of Dr. Ray Guarendi.  His name came up during a discussion with our homeschool group about parenting and discipline, and my friend Misty recommended him.  So, I borrowed one of his books.  It was in question-answer format, which made it hard for me to get to the heart of what he teaches, but I liked what I read in the first fifty pages.  Then, through another email to the homeschool group, I found out that Dr. Ray was coming to Houston.  So, bright and early yesterday morning, Chris and I headed downtown to hear him speak.  

The audience was small, full of babies and many people had met the good doctor (of psychology) before.  The talk was on his new book, Back to the Family, a summary of the research he'd done on traits common to strong families.  The information was helpful but equally important to our enjoyment of the morning was the fact that he was very funny and kept us laughing about parenting and family life for most of the hour.  

The talk brought up a lot of interesting points, some of which I'll list below, but I think Dr. Ray's mission in a nutshell is to empower parents.  He didn't talk down to us, give us "the answers" or flaunt his credentials.  He talked to us as someone who's also in the trenches dealing with the same challenges we are.  I didn't hear him say, "if I can do it so can you", but that's the message I took away anyway.

The kicker?  Dr. Ray is a Catholic homeschooling father of ten.  I asked him what his biggest challenge is in parenting a big family.  His first, comedic, response was--"food"--I found that extra funny because I got the same response ten years ago from the mother of a large family--she was serious.  Dr. Ray's serious answer was, "all the moving parts".  All the tasks to be done, the juggling of activities, the number of cars in his driveway (7), etc.  Chris and I agreed that we would both say the same thing.  Of course, our family is small compared to the Guarendi's.

My favorite part of the talk was when Dr. Ray mentioned the correlation between the way he disciplines and Catholic theology.  He said, very often with behavioral issues, our culture asks the question, "is it normal?"  If the answer is "yes"--for example, "yes, it's normal for a teenage girl to be disrespectful" or "yes, it's normal for a three year old to hit a sibling"--then people rationalize that it's okay for the most part and parents should learn to accept the behavior.  But--what's "normal" is the wrong standard.   The Catholic Church teaches that we are naturally disobedient because of our sinful nature.  The question we should be asking is, "is the behavior right?"  If the answer is "no", we should not accept it--although there are different levels of culpability parents should consider depending on a child's age.

At the end of the morning, Chris and I bought a few books and two DVDs including one on Dr. Ray's journey back to the Catholic Church.  I can't wait to hear that.  

More tidbits from the talk:

*The one factor that all of the families in the study had in common?  Religious faith.  Not just identifying themselves as a particular religion but really living it.  Together.  90% of the families were of Christian denominations.

*Respect is the number one most important standard in the households he interviewed.  He talked about the "battered parent" syndrome (parents get worn down by the hard demands of parenting and tolerate unacceptable behavior rather than take the extra effort to deal with it), and Dr. Ray encouraged parents to adopt a zero tolerance for disrespect--both verbal and non-verbal--because respect is the core of all relationships.

*He said that more and more women are describing themselves as doing the heavy lifting in their homes in regards to discipline, while their husbands are content to play "Disneyland Dad".  He said Dads should step up, discipline their children and insist on respect in their homes. 

*The #1 thing the kids in his study hate that their parents do?  Lecture.  Lectures follow the "Law of Diminishing Returns".  Instead, speak your truth and speak it straight.  Don't explain.  Kids don't want to understand.  They don't agree with you.  This will not change after an hour long lecture.

*Dr. Ray observed that there are three sins left in our culture: smoking, spanking, and having more than 2.1 children.  In regard to spanking--70% of the people in the study spanked at times.  Dr. Ray said he doesn't care whether parents spank or not.  He believes in their right to choose to do it and that when it is done in a loving context it does not lead to any of the problems people say it will--like violent, maladjusted children.  

*Chris asked about sticker charts and marble systems.  Dr. Ray said they're fine, but he has never known a family who could keep one up consistently for any period of time.  Another challenge he mentioned is that rewards work best in a state of deprivation and our children have way too much stuff to be motivated by more treats and things.

*Other questions asked:  

Facebook--should we let our kids join it?  He cited a study of college students done since the rise in popularity of Facebook.  The students were considerably more narcissistic than in past studies.  He said that his children are not on Facebook, My Space or Twitter because of the propensity of those activities to make the kids more self-focused.  It is already a challenge to help kids develop humility and Facebook is often about "Look at me!  Look at me!"  

He also advised against cell phones before college saying that they pull kids away from the present moment and the family as they text and constantly check on things.  If safety is a concern, he advised lending out your cell phone or buying a very simple one that can make limited calls to limited numbers.

Sleepovers--Too many chances of parents getting burned.  Unless Dr. Ray and his wife know the other parents "as well as we know ourselves", they don't do sleepovers.  This is a rule we've had since Madeleine was very young and I know people who have thought we are the meanest, most neanderthal parents for depriving our poor kids.  Nice to know we're not the only ones.

Tattling--Sibling quibbling was the biggest problem cited by the families in the study.  Dr. Ray did not advise squashing tattling entirely because it can be a good source of information.  He encouraged evaluating the situation and the motive.

Dating--He answered this one by citing a study that found that the earlier kids started dating, the more likely they were to have sex by their senior year of high school.  He advised postponing not only dating but "going together" in the form of phone calls, emails etc.  This kind of testing the waters of dating can end with broken hearts at a young age, something that's obviously not good for the kids.

OK--that's it other than his jokes.  You'll have to look him up for yourself if you want to hear those.  

I decided to share this in detail here for two reasons:

First, in our noisy world of too many experts, it's sometimes difficult to know who to listen to.  Truly, we can each find someone who will say just about anything we want to hear.  So, how to find the truth?  No one has all of the answers--except Jesus Christ and His Church.  People who are living their lives "the Jesus way" are more likely to be headed in the right direction with the right answers.

One of the reasons Dr. Ray's advice rings true to me is that it involves effort, sacrifice and suffering--all part of being a Christian.  It makes sense to me that the strongest families are built by parents willing to invest the most, endure the pain of not being like the Joneses and make sacrifices for their kids.

Second, if you were to ask me what has been the defining influence in my life, I would say my family.  Not just my parents and siblings but my huge extended family and even the ancestors I never met but who passed on the faith.  I have been impacted by so many people in my family--some for their good examples and some for being cautionary tales.  Families matter.  My dream is that our family and all of those we know become the kinds of families Dr. Ray could have interviewed for his book.  I pray that all mothers and fathers believe that they have the tools and graces they need to build a great family.  

To quote Tony Horton (again :) "you can do this--if you want to."  I pray that more people really want to.  More than universal health care or a solution to global warming, that's the hope for our future.

Check out the good doctor for yourself at www.drray.com

This picture reminds me of a quote from Runaway Bride: "It takes three people to make our marriage work--me, him and the shrink."  or something like that.