Reunited

No place like home

Chris is just back from ten days away.  We are thrilled--and guess what?  He brought Carl the chicken with him (more on that later).  I wrote the following post a few days after he left.

 

A special mom I know was recently sharing about the loneliness she experiences as she copes with her husband's long hours and unpredictable work schedule.  She concluded by saying something like, "I know I'm probably codependent but..."  

So, I've been thinking about what she said.  I know what "codependent" means and, in case you're interested, I'm including the wikipedia definition at the bottom of this post.  I think it initially applied to relationships in which one of the partners enabled the other to perpetuate destructive patterns of behavior.  Judging from the way most people use the term now, it has evolved to mean that a person needs someone else too much.  It is a negative term implying dysfunction.

Let's take a close look at the word though--the prefix "co" means "together" and "dependent" means "relying on or requiring the aid of another for support" so taken literally, "codependent" means "relying on each other".  Sounds like a good thing to me, especially if we're talking about marriage.  I think my friend is completely normal to pine for her husband.  Wouldn't it be more alarming if she didn't miss him at all?

I have a confession to make: I am 100% codependent--I very much rely on my husband for many things.  I've been experiencing exactly how much because Chris is on the other side of the world right now and I miss him a lot.  I've heard women say that having kids was like having their hearts go walking around outside their bodies.  That's a beautiful image expressing both vulnerability and a complete dependence on God to care for the ones we love.  And it is exactly the way I feel right now.  My heart is on the other side of the world and I can't wait until it walks safely back through our front door.  Of course, being apart gives me the opportunity to thank God over and over for the gift He gave me in my husband.  I love Chris and our life together.  If something happened to him, I would survive but my life would go from technicolor to black and white and even though I know that God would faithfully hold me in the palm of His hand, I would be longing to rejoin my other half.  Does that make me codependent?  I think so.  I am better with Chris than without him.  We are tied together in this three legged race called life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Because the devil is not creative and can only use what God created to make us fall, he sometimes tries to trick us into thinking that something good is bad or abnormal*.  How many marriages do you know of that are suffering because the partners depend too much on each other?  Perhaps there are some in which the two people stay together simply because they rely on each other to take care of various aspects of life--he does the bills, she does the cooking or vice versa-- but that doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me given the alternative of divorce.

I'm not trying to make light of the serious problem of enabling destructive behavior, I just wanted to point out that God wants us to look outside of ourselves for our worth.  He wants us to look to Him.  So, a behavior that some would label as unhealthy dependency, may actually be a part of relearning something that comes naturally to little children--trust and reliance on another.  

I love you always, C!

*Another example of this is priestly celibacy.  Many people think it is abnormal or unhealthy when it is in fact a very holy calling.  Explaining why that is is a subject for another day.

Codependence is a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship which is regarded as an emotional disorder, and by some as a psychological disease.^[1] In the relationship, the codependent person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition, such as drug addiction.^[2]

In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the addiction or pathological condition of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery. This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior or relieving them of the consequences of the dependence. This is called enabling, which can have negative social and health consequences for both parties. A codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person.

Due to the fluid and insidious nature of codependency it can often be found in relationships that are absent of substance abuse among the participants. At it's core, the notion of codependency is the outward expectation of value of worth from other people. It is predicated on a relationship with self that is lacking value or worth, thus people who engage in codependent behaviors (enabling, perfectionism, controlling, dwelling, fretting, focusing) will look outward for that value or worth in order to feel whole. Most certainly it is prominent in intimate and familial relationships, however, for people who live with this frame of reference, strangers, co-workers, and acquaintances can often serve as a mechanism of validation as well.