One of the best known and most often quoted first lines in literature is from Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. It is a comment on happiness. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
I have heard this line repeated over and over. I read it just this week in a book about marriage that I'm in the middle of. I have turned it over in my mind and considered it and today, my question is--what do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Are happy families all alike and if so, in what way? Support your position with as many "proofs" or reasons that you can think of. I have my own opinion and will include it along with yours in a week or so. You can answer by commenting or emailing me at chaucershome@msn.com. Please jump in. This will be fun.
OK, I'll try again. I have to say that I am not familiar with the quote. I've read Anna Karenina, but I don't remember the quote, and I don't usually read self-help books with that quote in them. I found the fact that you saw this quote in a marriage book very odd, and I would love to hear the context. To me, the quote is a sad reflection on happiness. It says to me that being happy is boring and mundane. In order to be unique, one must be unhappy because that is what makes us different and interesting. Especially given that it is from Anna Karenina, I don't think it is an optimistic comment on happiness. That book is full of very unhappy families.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure if you asked families how they define happiness, you will get many of the same descriptions. But, if you ask these families how they live and interact with each other, I'm sure there will be many differences. We live a much busier life than you guys, but we love that. I think that bonds our family together and is largely responsible for our happiness as a family. But, just because that is what makes our family happy, it doesn't mean that I question your family's happiness because you do not operate the same way. You have a different mode for achieving happiness. Although, what is happiness anyway? I think people have a tendency toward optimism or pessimism. I'm sure that those that are optimistic are more likely to describe their life as happy. Even if they aren't truly happy, they want to be happy and will find happiness in the smaller things. Pessimists will do the opposite. So, it's too subjective to ask someone if their family is happy. Who knows? Some days we are and some days we aren't. The answer to the question might depend on what day you ask.
I have a different take on this. I think truly happy families are definitely the same in one important respect. They are centered around fundamental values which is exactly why they are happy. Unhappy families, on the other hand, are different in the sense of a ship that is rudderless that gets thrown hither and yon.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Tolstoy on both counts. The second assertion, i.e. "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way", is easy to refute. Just watch the Jerry Springer show or Dr. Phil for a few weeks. You will see the same themes over & over again: infidelity, drug & alcohol addiction, abuse, etc, etc. There are only so many things that can make a family or an individual unhappy.
ReplyDeleteWhether "Happy families are all alike" depends on how you define both happiness and likeness. If you define happiness as the absence of those things that make you sad, then happy families are at least alike in the sense that they all share that property. But if you dig a little deeper, I think you find that happy families end up being more diverse than unhappy ones. Unhappy families and unhappy people tend to dwell on the things that are making them unhappy, while happy families have time & energy to focus on all the other interesting things that the world has to offer.
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
ReplyDeleteIn my estimation (perhaps I should say guesstimation since I have neither read nor studied the work), Tolstoy was likely aiming for a dramatic hook with his famous first line rather than espousing a philosophical belief. As far as themes go, where’s the high drama and “I’m addicted to it” angle in happy-people profiles? Other than Stephen Covey’s habits and Michael Landon’s little house, the real ratings are in the tragedies and the woes and ways of the misfits, right?
However, since the challenge was to take a position on this memorable line, I shall do so, and quite willingly as I really have no other muse of late with my baseball team languishing in the cellar.
I agree with Tolstoy’s assessment. Thank you. I will have office hours Tuesdays and Thursdays all semester should you have any further questions.
Not off that easy, eh? Very well.
If this statement were to be approached scientifically, or more likely from a researcher’s perspective and thus a questionnaire and study were to be commissioned, then I predict the results would yield the following:
[Excerpt from fictitious study report] “Happy families shared a higher percentage of a few common themes or “predictors” for their happiness than unhappy families, whose states of unhappiness were mapped to a wider range of reasons, habits, and behaviors.
Happy families most commonly shared three key themes – Security, Respect, and Affection. These key elements are all well-representative on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and are the best predictors of happiness. Families where these ingredients are present are more likely to overcome crises, set and achieve goals, and generally bond and thrive throughout life’s natural stages.
In our study, unhappy families followed a much wider arch of themes and underlying causes. Examples included jealousy, infidelity, scorn, hostility, hypocrisy, greed, lack of commitment, apathy, abandonment, and abuse.
Additionally, the study found that most predictors of unhappiness were attitudes and responses to life events, rather than the life events themselves. In families that dealt with major, life-threatening illnesses, for example, some were graded as happy and some unhappy, even when dealing with the same condition. The response to the condition, which stemmed from the core values and habits of behavior, was the primary indicator of happiness.“ [End of excerpt]
In my opinion, unhappy families are likely to be much more entrenched in the seven deadly sins, where as happy families are buoyed by the constant pursuit and practice of moral goodness.
As far as literature goes, we all love a happy ending, except Shakespeare of course, and we often see stories that involve our protagonists achieving or obtaining something lost or sought and won. Perhaps for most readers it is a tad boring to read about moral goodness and strong work ethics and Sunday afternoon strolls with spouse and children along scenic woods and lakes. Yes, the unhappy-side of things generates more buzz and interest and sells more copy or airtime than the good.
I read another line from Tolstoy, this one from his work "A Confession" (a short work of questions of religion): “Every time I tried to display my innermost desires – a wish to be morally good – I met with contempt and scorn, and as soon as I gave in to base desires I was praised and encouraged.”
And thus his unhappy habits were praised and encouraged, and no doubt more profitable, too.
You don't remember the family fests, Alice, because you were already away from home. But the priest used to say that "Sin is the cause of all unhappiness." There are lots of choices in the ways of sinning, but in the end they are all boringly similar because they involve selfish people gazing at their navels. Whether your root sin is lust or envy or greed it is all about staring at yourself in the mirror. And how interesting can that be? (I guess very for the narcissist, but not for his friends if he has any.)
ReplyDeleteBeing the last to comment, I have tried to refrain from studying the previous replies which I think put me at more of a disadvantage than an advantage as I'm now trying my best to say something that hasn't been said yet. Not sure if I'll succeed but I'll let you be the judge, Alice.
ReplyDelete"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
I've not read Anna Karenina so I'll take the statement at face value. I disagree that happy families are all alike. I have lots of acquaintances who, when asked, would say they have a happy family but they are likely all very different from MY happy family. Ironically, the variation seems to mostly stem from their sources of unhappiness and how much they tend to dwell on those. Being content with what you have is an important characteristic to me and I believe it not only boosts your perceived level of happiness but also helps you fend off those unhappy moments as well.
That said, I agree with some of the sentiments already stated that there are core values that happy families tend to share: a love of God, respect for others, kind hearts, and a willingness to serve, might be some of them. But maybe it's in our most unhappy times that we are all unique.
Wait...does that mean I agree with Tolstoy? Now I'm confused. :)