While I'm Waiting

"I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.  You raise me up to more than I can be."

I don't know about you but I struggle constantly with patience--or, more specifically, my lack there of.  This is probably because God blessed me with a very strong will and I was born with a desire to beat everything around me into submission.  In other words, I am a control freak.  With the birth of baby number three in 2004 though, I started to feel like more and more balls were getting by me (the baseball analogy is for my sweet husband who is counting down the days until the season begins).  I got into using a Franklin-Covey planning system and instituted a fairly strict daily schedule.  That helped a bit.  Lately, with five kids to care for though, I've been feeling out of control of life once again, as though I'm a pinball that comes downstairs every day to be flung into one crisis after another.  I find myself asking questions like, "Why is all the toilet paper off the roll and on the floor again?'  "Why do the kids keep throwing their dirty clothes into the dress-up box and exactly how old is this wet pull-up?" "The car's on empty again-- how long can I drive it before we run out of gas?""Why can't the kids play library with the library books instead of the ones from my nice, neat shelves (although I find it very cute to see Grace in her bed pretending to read Civil Disobedience)?"  "Why can't I remember to charge my cell phone?" "Who is persecuting Ella?"  "Why is that person driving so slowly?"  "Can we really be out of ______ again?  I just went to the store."  And on and on and on.  

I'm going back to teaching this week-- just one class--but it means I have another thing on my plate.  So yesterday, I went and bought a new planner--the thick kind where you can write everything for the day, the week, the month and the whole year.  I decided I need to get back to that to make sure that everything that's important to us actually happens.  

In the end though, it's not about planners or systems.  In my life, I know deep down that it's about God nudging me, reminding me that it's His way not my way.  I can plan to my heart's content but I'd better be ready to deal with the unexpecteds--hurricanes come to mind--because He's the only one who knows the real plan.

So I'm praying hard for patience in living life as it comes.  One of my favorite ways to pray is to listen and sing to worship music.  We have a worship playlist on the ipod and that's usually what I run to.  There's so much great Christian and Catholic music out there and one of the things I love about listening to Christian music is that it's a meeting place for all Christians--a way for us to praise the Lord together.

My favorites:

1) Kids' worship music--even Veggie Tales (which drives Chris crazy).  I am a kid at heart and will be till the day I die.  Hearing kids sing inspires me so much. 

2)  I've always loved the song "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay.  I played it over and over when I felt homesick in Spain with Madeleine.  If you've never heard it, you should.  It's a very powerful prayer, "take my world apart", but one that should definitely be thought through in case God takes you up on it. (My mom says the same thing about the Litany of Humility!)

3)  John Waller's "While I'm Waiting".  It reminds me of my favorite mystery of the rosary--the Presentation.  I have this amazing painting of Simeon holding the baby Jesus with his head thrown back crying tears of joy.  I love it because it reminds me that we serve a God who keeps His promises and that my job is to be obedient and patient--I find both difficult which makes it easier to be empathetic with my kids.

4) Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up".  I've played this one so much recently that all of the kids know it by heart and Sophie especially belts it out.  One of the things that I find fascinating about the faith is the central paradox that Jesus was the strongest and most victorious when He was the weakest and most broken.  The image of being strong on God's shoulders is like that for me.  It's usually the smallest and weakest that rides on daddy's shoulders.  And that's how I feel--small and needy. 

God loves us so much.  I am happy and grateful to be in the struggle.  Please pray for me and for our family.  We will be praying for anyone reading this and those you love.