Failing Better

I'm reading a good book right now.  I picked it up on the table at Barnes and Noble and, miracle of miracles, had the discipline to write the title down and check it out from the library*.  So, for the next two weeks, I will be racing through The Best Advice I Ever Got by Katie Couric.  The book is a compilation of advice given in commencement addresses by famous and not so famous folks.  The advice itself is not especially groundbreaking.  I have heard most of it before.  What interests me is the way the speakers have learned their lessons and used them to become successful.
Perhaps my favorite section so far is called Fail Better.  The author, Tavis Smiley, emphasized, "Let's be clear:  There is no success without failure.  Period.  And usually a lot of it."  He quoted Michael Jordan's Nike commercial:

I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.

I've lost almost 300 games.

Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot....and missed.

I've failed over and over and over again in my life.

And that is why I succeed.  

Smiley (what a name :) referenced a quote by poet Samuel Beckett about failing better and ended his advice by encouraging graduates to "fail up".

I could fill quite a few pages expounding on the failures in my life but the one area in particular that came to mind as I read was friendship.  In my friendships, I have had both great success and stunning failures.  

The difficulty with failing in the area of relationships is that it's not necessarily easy to learn from.  It also tends to make a person question "what's wrong with me?" or to put up walls to keep out those who do not tread with care.  Of course, walls do a good job of keeping everyone out--not good.  For the most part, I have been able to resolve any problems in my friendships by talking through them.  Old friends rarely need even that.  

In the last year though, a friendship I cared about fell apart.  The details are a bit long to go into but Chris and I did our best to forgive some very painful things that had happened between her family and ours and to achieve true reconciliation.  At one point, we thought we were headed down that road.  I tried to continue to act as though we were friends again and as if the past were forgotten.  It became clear that on their side, it wasn't.  Now, they are moving across country.  This week in fact.  When I heard the news, I made a dinner to help with the busyness.  She probably wished I'd just leave her alone.  And I wonder why I care.  She has not behaved like a friend to me in a long time.  Still, I can't believe she is going to leave without a goodbye.  Surely, a year and a half of friendship rates more than that.  To me, it is tragic and worth mourning.  And I'll probably be in mourning until she actually gets on the plane this weekend.  Then, the door will be closed.  And life will go on.  Minus one friend.

Over the years, several people have commented on the number of good friends I have.  Some of my closest friends are members of my extended family.  The reason for any success I have in this area is that I have invested a lot.  Everything really.  My personal motto is a line from a sonnet that hung over the stage in my high school gym.  It said, "Grow rich in that which never taketh rust".  To me, that means faith, education and relationships.  I have never been very concerned about the number in our bank account or what kind of insurance we have (fortunately Chris is more practical).  The people in our lives are what count with me.  So, I will continue to look for kindred spirits and to show up with the lasagna if I think it might help.  Hopefully, I can follow the advice I quoted and use this rather sad situation to "fail up" to something better next time.

*I actually consider buying books at real live bookstores an investment in live bookstores.  Talk about mourning.  I will be crying hard the day Amazon drives them all out of business.