Musings on 40

My youthful self with sweet Brendan

So, I've probably been thinking about turning 40 for a few years now. Not obsessively. It's more like a thought in the back of my mind reminding me every so often, "it's coming". Most of my friends are turning 40 this year as well, a handful of whom I've known since first grade and it's been interesting to hear people talk about it. Not surprisingly, the guys mostly shrug it off with only a couple insisting on re-celebrating their 39th year. In contrast, nearly 100% of the women talk about struggling with turning either 30 or 40 and many laughingly boast of hearing comments that they don't look anywhere near their age. Of course, behind that statement looms a dread of the day when that is no longer true.

For me, 20 was strange, 30 was easy and 40 took a bit of getting used to but now that I'm here, I'm sensing the winds of change bringing some very good things in the next decade. My 30s were actually pretty hard. Chris and I got married three weeks in to them and weathered a lot together over the next ten years. (We celebrate that milestone anniversary in two weeks!) We've been through two miscarriages, two moves far from home, major health issues as well as all of the normal struggles of raising a gaggle of young children. We've done a lot of searching for our identity as a family--our roles, how to run the household, how to educate and discipline the children, how to spend our time and our money. We read a lot of books and had a lot of talks about all of those topics. At the same time, I struggled with the loss of my "career". I had always loved work--the structure, the routine, the tangible results. Staying home was something I did for the good of the children, not for my own fulfillment but I have grown to love it and to see that my choices do not have to be as black and white as I used to think. I have found ways to do the things that matter to me.

In reflecting on turning 40 and moving toward middle age (yikes!), my thoughts keep drifting to the summer I spent at Triple C Camp in Charlottesville as counselor for the 10-12 year old girls. It was a truly magical time. The camp was very laid back and although our group had a schedule of activities every day, I had a lot of time to fill with my own ideas. So, we headed into the woods, swinging on vines, sliding down mud slides and creek walking. I read aloud to the girls as they lounged in the grass beneath the trees and I sang to them. They loved "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree" almost as much as my girls do now. My uniform at camp consisted of my camp shirt, old, old shorts and Tevas. I was always dirty. And I was carefree in a way I hadn't been since I was a kid.

I am hoping that getting older will be a little like that. That I will let go of the unimportant things, of vanity, of the illusion of control and lose myself in doing what I can to love the people God puts in my life. I want to serve my family and extended family. I want to be there for my grandkids, in-laws and parents. I want a lifelong, close relationship with my siblings. I want my nieces and nephews to know that they are the best kids on the planet. And I want to keep running forever--or until I find a cool group of old women to laugh with while doing water aerobics! I have a few other goals I'd like to check off my list as well but none as important as these things.

And if I ever do need a little shot of youth, I can always jump out of another plane. That pretty much set me up for the next few years! Thanks again, C! You are número uno and I do want tickets to the show (Tony Hortonism).

OK, take good care and see you here next time! (And if you have any thoughts of your own on turning 40 or aging in general, please leave a comment or shoot me an email.)