Frances Doyle

So, as many of you faithful readers of Frodo Seven already know, our family recently experienced the loss of another baby.  When I found out I was pregnant earlier this fall, I wasn't surprised but I also wasn't completely prepared.  And though it didn't take long to get very excited about the thought of another Doyle babe, I had a feeling from the beginning that things would end the way they did.  Interestingly, I don't think that intuition had anything to do with the other two miscarriages we've been through.  Both of those occurred at about twelve weeks and were uncannily similar in how things unfolded.
Mia was only four months old when we found out we were expecting Ethan.  Not the best timing perhaps but Chris and I decided early on to take life--and babies--as God sends them.  And I was excited.  I don't remember if we had picked out a girl's name but for a boy, it was Ethan Michael.  I had no idea that morning, a few days before Thanksgiving 2002 that anything was wrong.  But the doctor couldn't find a heart beat.  First on the wand and then on the ultrasound.  I'll never forget his tone and his words.  "This is not what I would like to have seen today."  I was alone in his office.  Thinking it would be just a routine appointment, Chris was in meetings at Quantico, getting ready to take time off for the holiday.  I don't remember driving home.  I do remember that when I got there, I called Chris and then Jes, who immediately made the hour drive to be with Madeleine and Mia while Chris and I went for another ultrasound, just to be sure.  Even after getting confirmation, I could not bear to schedule the DNC the doctor recommended.  I did not want to undergo the same procedure done to abort a living baby.  I couldn't bear the thought of it.  So I waited, and a few days later, miscarried Ethan at home.  We held him, which is why we know for sure that he was a boy.  He was perfect.  Tiny, but otherwise like any other baby.
I cut off a piece of my old baby blanket to wrap him in.  It was blue.   We had a short ceremony and buried Ethan under the pine trees at Camp Kreitzer in a small wooden box my grandmother gave me when I was ten.
I don't remember a lot of specifics about the days and weeks around the miscarriage.  I do know that I mourned Ethan for a long time.  I made the whole thing much worse by deciding that God had taken Ethan from me either because of past sin or because I wasn't a good enough mother to deserve him--or both.  I caused myself a lot of what I now know was unnecessary suffering and I felt angry at God and scared of Him.
Fast forward a year and I was pregnant again.  I walked into the same doctor's office at about twelve weeks and once again, he couldn't find a heartbeat.  This time though, I had Madeleine with me and had driven myself all the way from Woodstock to Fredericksburg for the appointment.  At the time, we were just weeks away from moving to Beaumont.  The girls and I were staying at Camp Kreitzer until we closed on our new house and until my sister Tara got married.  So, once again, I heard Dr. Hamilton's matter of fact rendition of the facts and his advice to have a DNC (I had ended up having an emergency DNC with Ethan after a middle of the night trip to the ER--pretty horrible).  This time, I scheduled the DNC, half-hoped the miscarriage would happen on its own before then but was also relieved when it didn't.  So, we are not certain of the second baby's sex but we named "her" Julia anyway.  Chris still wonders if there's a Doyle boy up in heaven being teased by his buddies whenever he's called "Julia" in his sisters' prayers.  Julia is also buried under the pine trees.  My mother planted flowers on both graves and has a statue of the Blessed Mother and an angel there.  The site is just steps away from the apple trees and the fire pit and it overlooks the pool so the babies are never far from our thoughts when we are home.
A few months after we lost Julia, we found out we were pregnant again.  Of course, we were anxious, but nine months later, Baby G, Margaret Grace Doyle, came screaming into our lives.  I'm sure I don't have to tell you what a blessing she is to all of us.
Our recent miscarriage was easier to deal with than the others.  It happened earlier, at six weeks, so I didn't have all the drama of a DNC and I decided not to follow the advice of the nurse at my OBGYN's office.  I did not go to the emergency room.  Chris was overseas so I was alone with the girls.  I called Jes (every girl should have a Jes in her life), and asked her what her nurse friend, Traci, would say.  As I already knew, there was absolutely nothing they could do at the ER other than run tests to tell what was happening.  I opted to stay at home and let things unfold there.  It was a lot more peaceful.  And since I have a different understanding about God and His hand in all of this, I refrained from torturing myself as well.
So, now, as we prepare to celebrate another Thanksgiving, I still have the beginnings of a pregnant belly, the longing to hold my baby and the certainty of having been handed way more this year than I was ever made to handle.  It reminds me of something that happened last weekend while my brother Neil and family were here.  The guys took the kids to the field to play kickball, kick the can and other games while Martina and I prepared a party for three year old Drew.  During their play, Neil looked over at Sophie and teased, "I'm going to tackle you".  Little Sophie looked way up at her uncle, weighed her options and laid down flat on the ground.  Sometimes it's just easier--and safer--to take things lying down.  But then there's life.  And people to take care of and other people who are dealing with their own sufferings.  Personally, I don't like trite responses to that suffering like, "God has a reason for this".  I don't know that I even believe that.  I do believe that God is good, He is in charge and He has promised us "hope and a future".  Maybe for me and Chris, that means we'll be blessed with another firecracker baby.  I hope so.  In the meantime, I'm still in the race and my theme song today is "Here Comes the Sun (Son)" (Colbie Caillat's version is good--check it out).